How to Deal with Conflict
The Following is an Excerpt from our Book, Angry Without a Cause (Click Here to Order) .
Naturally, there are three types of people when it comes to handling conflict and dealing with difficulties. Some run straight into their problems without much forethought of the aftermath that may follow, while others are perfectly happy running away from their problems. Then there are those that are content to run with their problems. Which one are you? If you would, put your thinking-cap on, and take some time to psychoanalyze yourself. Just remember, the longer you take, the more money you’ll have to charge yourself.
How do you react when your friends, family, or acquaintances ask or expect something of you that causes you to feel uncomfortable or violated in some way? Are you apt to respond in an abrupt fashion? Are you the kind of person that has to fight against the temptation to roar like a lion in the face your opposition? If so, then you are definitely the type that tends to run straight into a problem.
You may be the kind of person that handles conflict by running away from it. You get just as annoyed as those mentioned in the last paragraph, but you respond in an entirely different manner. Instead of expressing your anger, you tend to suppress it. In turn, this causes you to stop answering the phone when that certain someone calls to talk with you. When you know they might be dropping in, you conveniently leave so that you are not forced to face the issue. One of the problems associated with behavior such as this is you can only suppress your feelings for so long. The time will come when you express them at a very inopportune time.
Maybe it is your style to put up with a problem or problematic person in order to keep from dealing with any type of conflict at all. People like this are usually afraid of confrontation, and consequently tend to compromise their core beliefs in order to appease others. As before, they get just as aggravated as the people mentioned in the last two paragraphs, but they do not seem to have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to take decisive action. If this describes you, then you’re probably the type that runs with a problem.
So, how should a person handle it when they are faced with an issue that tests their people skills? How should they respond? Should they run into, away, or with the situation? The answer is actually very simple, yet entirely biblical. Solomon touched on this subject many years ago when he wrote what we know to be Proverbs 27:5-6:
“Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
This verse could be the syllabus for a class titled, “Conflict Resolution.” The verse teaches that we all have a biblical responsibility to be open, transparent, and truthful with others, even when disagreements arise. God is teaching us that the proper way to handle conflict involves speaking in a truthful and forthright manner, yet always with a spirit of love.
As a father I am faced with situations that test my ability to be up-front and truthful with others. For example, from time to time, I am approached by a parent asking if my children may watch a taboo TV show or participate in something that would not normally be approved. In such instances I have a few options to choose from. I can respond in an abrupt manner and cause a needless amount of tension (run straight into the problem), I can attempt to avoid any further situations that involve that particular parent and thereby cause them to feel awkward or rejected (run away from the problem), I can go along with their request and complain to someone else about that parent at a later time (run with the problem), or I can calmly and methodically ESTABLISH VERBAL BOUNDARIES, (be up-front).
As a Christian, I have a biblical responsibility to speak the truth in love. When I am in the “hot seat,” and a parent is standing in front of me, waiting an answer, I am acting in a way that is less than biblical if I do not calmly respond to them by saying something like:
“As a family, we like to stick with lower rated movies for the children. Would you have another video that they could watch?”
Or:
“Thank you for inviting my child to spend the night with your son/daughter; however, we have a family rule that would not allow that to happen. Could we plan to have your entire family over for a barbecue this Saturday?”
At this point, I leave the friendship (or the potential friendship) in their hands. They may choose to work with our belief system, or they can choose to act in an offended manner. The quality of their Christianity and their maturity level in Christ is usually revealed by their response.
To alleviate underlying feelings of frustration and ongoing times of tension, you must be open and transparent with others and learn to draw VERBAL BOUNDARIES in a calm and confident manner. The only other option is to bully your way through a problem with abusive language or emotional outbursts, or you can always suppress your emotions until you, at a later time, express your frustrations through gossip sessions, snide remarks, sarcasm, cold stares, or strained communications.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
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