Overcoming Hurt
The Following is an Excerpt from our Book, Angry Without a Cause (Click Here to Order).
Have you ever wondered why hurt people tend to hurt people? Did you know that many psychologists will tell you that the flip side of hurt is anger? Are you aware of the fact that those that are treated poorly early in life, often treat others the same throughout the rest of their life? Why is this the case? Well, I have a theory, and it goes something like what you are about to read.
Have you ever taken the time to pet a dog that, all of a sudden, snapped at you for touching a wound that was unknown to you? Actually, I think we all have. In fact, the underlying problem was not really with you, was it? The real problem was that, at some time or another, that seemingly harmless pet was probably run over by a car or the victim of an attack by another animal. Unbeknown to you, it was carrying around a wound that had never properly healed.
Some people are similar to a wounded dog. In other words, your relationship with them is fine until you do or say something that triggers painful feelings from their past. For example, you may know people that were constantly belittled by their siblings, parents, or their peers when they were growing up, and, consequently, they have developed a low opinion of themselves. People like this are sensitive to anyone that even hints they are dissatisfied with them in any way. They have developed the bad habit of FILTERING THE ACTIONS AND REACTIONS OF OTHERS THROUGH THEIR WOUNDED FEELINGS; therefore, they are sensitive to whatever may appear to be a cross look, lack of affection, or quick goodbye. If you close a phone conversation too quickly or forget to smile when they are around you, they are usually quick to react in a negative way. That is, they are quick to “snap at you.” Of course, the problem is not really with you, is it? It is just that you happened to hit a wound that you were not aware of, and, if the truth be told, they are still harboring painful feelings from their past.
One of the churches under my pastorate was a typical Baptist church. It was typical in that we had about one hundred and twenty people on a Sunday morning and approximately fifty to sixty people on a Sunday night. With that much of a drop in the attendance, you can just imagine the difference in the intensity level of a Sunday evening service in comparison to a Sunday morning service. To be honest, it was quite depressing, so, in order to help the atmosphere on Sunday evening, I decided to place ropes on the back four pews before the service began. I did this, so that people would sit closer together. Consequently, the atmosphere was more family-oriented. The singing was better, the testimonies were more intense, and, of course, the preaching was superb!
Not long after making this change, I received a letter from a concerned member. She was having a difficult time coming to Sunday evening services because she felt I was herding the people like cattle. She felt my decision to put ropes on the last four pews was a “tell-tale” sign that I was being entirely too controlling. Of course, after reading the letter, I did what most pastors in this position should do . . . I got on my knees, repented in sackcloth and ashes, and vowed never again to violate I Church Member 3:16.
Actually, I don’t remember it going that way. If I remember correctly, I contacted this person and discovered she was once married to an incredibly controlling husband that often used Bible verses to prove his point. Eventually, this lady admitted the problem was not so much with my decision to rope off the pews. It was just that I happened to inadvertently hit a wound that had never healed properly. Of course, this caused her to respond by “snapping at me.”
Some people, on the other hand, are so good at PROTECTING THEIR WOUND that they seldom give others a chance to TOUCH IT. They usually accomplish this by isolating themselves from those they might otherwise bless. They tend to shy away from social functions, and skittishly attend their local churches. They steer clear of jobs or positions of leadership that might bring back the painful feelings experienced years ago when they held similar positions. Though their actions are more passive in nature, they are, nonetheless, harmful in that they keep others from benefitting from their love, friendship, and God given talents.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
